Editor’s Note: The author is a total hardass in this blog, please hold all judgement until after the blog is read.
Corporal Timothy E. Upham- Saving Private Ryan
When Upham first comes onto the scene in Saving Private Ryan, they make it well-known that this guy is a gigantic pussy. However, you know in war movies where the soft, shy guy ends up being an absolute stud muffin in the moment of truth, saving his crew and countless others? Yeah that is what was going through my head the first time i watched this. Just waiting for that moment for when he finally shoots his gun, or he just goes bizerik and kills endless Germans. Hell, I even would have settled for him taking out part of the crew for ragging on him all the time, at least some sort of fight. It’s not like it was a modern-day war where the soldiers had a choice, these guys were drafted, the same boat as him, and put it out on the line. Tom Hanks was a fucking middle school English teacher and by the end of the movie he is blowing up tanks with a pistol while I am simultaneously blowing a load in my pants and a tear in my eye because America. Upham had his moment of truth, where he could have been a hero, saved one of his boys, and what does he do? He stands there in the staircase outside the room and just listens to his “friend” get murdered, and then lets the German just walk right past him. Listen, I am not a veteran, nor served in any sort of military capacity because I simply am not brave enough. However, i just can not see myself or 99% of human beings be that much of a pussy, Fuck you Upham, I hope you get assfucked by a sand paper dildo for the rest of your days.
Emperor Commodus Gladiator
**Cracks knuckles then rubs hands back and forth against each other while smirking. This is the inspiration for this entire blog, i just watched Gladiator again this past weekend, movie never gets old. As far as Emporer Commodus goes, it was fantastically acted and portrayed by Joaquim Phoenix, but fuuuuuuuccck does he suck. He seems like a modern-day Harvard trust fund baby that plays Lacrosse, that totally has an edgy tough side and is ultimately just misunderstood, must be so rough man. Anyways where to start: The beginning of the movie he tries to act cool in front of his dad rolling up AFTER they just beat some ass in another bloody battle. Ahhh his face when his dad just “or nah”s him in front of the gang after that battle is wonderful. He is jealous of Maximus (Russel Crowe) because that is the man he was supposed to be, and Daddy loves Maximous more than Commudus wahh wahh wahh. There are thousands of “middle child’s” that could give a shit about your woes. So there is that aspect, but then there is the thing where he pretty much tries molesting his sister the entire movie. Big sis aint havin it but she’s smart, shes an expert bring him down easy kinda gal. Kinda like when i get told “We just go so well together as friends, i don’t want to ruin what we have” or “Your weight has nothing to do with me not wanting to hook up with you”. Eventually he gets the Tyson Knockout by saying you betrayed me, so i will plant thy seed in thy bountiful puss puss whether thou likith or notith. Constantly riddled by wanting to be loved and remembered, Commudus hates that the stallion is stealing that shine and exposing him. So last-ditch effort? Stab him in the side and duel him in the Great Coliseum. And buddy couldn’t even win in a fixed fight, pissing off all the bookies in the crowd because they thought it was a for sure lock and bet 17 shekels and their wife on the duel. At least with Commudus there is closure in knowing that he died and no one gave a shit about him, but boy does he get my blood boiling throughout this 18 hour cinematic wonder.
Mikey- Swingers
“Mikeyyyyy you’re money baby! You’re money and you don’t even know it.” First off, i think this entire movie is so grossly overrated, it is so hard to fathom that this is what catapulted the acting career of Vince Vaughn. As far as Mikey goes, what a real wet sock this guy is. So the story line is that he just got dumped from his girlfriend back in New York, and now he is in Hollywood trying to become a famous actor, but is hung up on this broad. We never meet her in the movie so i cant pass judgement upon her, but Mikey c’mon you’re in Cali. You have great wing men and they are throwing you alley oops left and right, and you cant help but blow every opportunity like you are the god damn Cleveland Browns. Sure why go bang some Cali girls that hate their father’s when you can leave 15 voice mails to a girl allllll the way across the country? Makes sense. Why not even just go dumpster diving, bang a couple of fat chicks? Really get that confidence up, we have all been there, we have all done it, nothing to be ashamed of. He is cringe worthy in most scenes, and it just does not get better throughout the film. Good thing i hate this movie.
Jenny- Forrest Gump
I think everyone knows where i am going with this but hell lets scream it louder for the people in the back! Jenny, you are a cracked out self-centered two-faced cum dumpster that isn’t worthy of Forrest’s love. All he wanted to do was build a life for you and the eventual kids. Wherever Forrest was at, he was thinking of you. In the war? Write to Jenny. Buy a boat? Name it Jenny. Think guys who are just pounding you out with their meat sword is actually trying to hurt you? Beat the shit out of him. Time and time again you would let this man down, and time and time again this poor bastard would come back to you. You would tell him to stop worrying about her? Yeah he will give you space but ultimately always be there for you. Now if it was just that part of the story, the narrative is different, then it would just be a tale of a man loving a woman and she doesn’t love him back. Tragic, but understandable. But when the chips are down and Jenny’s life of cocaine and cock catch up to her, then she comes running to Forrest. “Hey Forrest, i know i have neglected you my entire life, but i am terminally ill now and have a kid, let’s get married and you can raise the child.” FUCK YOU JENNY. I think it makes it worse how nice Forrest is, because he doesn’t even hesitate to say yes, because it is the right thing to do and that is what Gump is all about. I am also calling total bullshit that the kid is his, at least he will now have a dope ass dad and childhood now.
Rudy Reuttiger- Rudy
Rudy was offside, fight me.
Bonus character: Walt Jr.- Breaking Bad
This is the bonus character because well, Breaking Bad is not a movie but Walt Jr. still sucks. I don’t want any backlash due to him having cerebral palsy (For the show). Walt Jr. being on the list is because he is an unappreciative, cry baby little fuck. Listen, your dad is cooking a slinging meth all across the globe to make sure you never have to work a job in your life, and what does he come home to? “Fuck breakfast” or “Fuck you dad, why don’t you love mom”. Well son, your mom is a total see you next Tuesday, and oh fuck breakfast? I just had to murder 2 cartel hit men 8 hours ago, my bad. WJ’s little attitude era is him trying to portray an average teen in America, i don’t like it. He just rubbed me the wrong way the entire show.
From Zero to Hero 